Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Lagging Self Confidence

Since we're in Florida, we plan to visit some old friends in St. Petersburg. We'll go to the beach where the wife and their three kids will join us. Then we'll all go to dinner joined by the husband when he finishes toiling at the nationally-known newspaper where he works.
Earl worked with Tom in St. Louis 30 years ago. When that paper folded, they both moved to Florida. We all worked together 20 years ago at the Tampa Tribune. Then we paired up, married off and had kids. Once a year or so, we get together. When the kids were little they would play happily building sand castles and swinging high. Last time we got together, the middle child, a tomboy of a girl, was beating up on our boys. This time with their girls 17 and 14 and the boy 11, it will probably be awkward with teenage gaps in the conversation.
Two days ago, Earl made plans to see them.
As the days pass, I find myself dreading it.
It's all because I don't feel good about myself. I hate to admit it, but it's true.
Maybe it is the fact that I'm spending a lot of time in a bathing suit. Maybe it's because I've put off finding a new stylist to cut and color my hair so it's curly with strands of gray. Maybe it's because I'm eating vacation food instead of only fruits and proteins.
I'm judging myself and assuming they'll do the same, which is stupid. We've all aged.
Generally, I consider myself a fairly confident person. I don't stand in front of the closet and throw aside outfit after outfit. I don't spend hours looking in the mirror and criticizing lines around my eyes. I'm smart, accomplished and sometimes even witty.
This time, though, I feel inadequate.
So, I asked Mom to call and see if her stylist can give me a trim and color today, straightening my hair in this humidity with the hopes that it will hold through tomorrow where I'll sit on the beach refusing to get my hair wet in anticipation of meeting up with old friends.

5 comments:

Sheila said...

I always find it strange that you feel more confident when your hair is straight. I LOVE your curly hair. I have always wanted curls like yours and used to spend lots of money and many, many hours getting perms so my hair would look like that, without ever really accomplishing the desired affect. Enjoy your curly hair and know that you are the only one judging it!

Dream Girl said...

Ditto what Sheila said!

Not to mention the fact that I am counting on you to be my curly-haired role model just in case my hair comes in curly (like EVERYONE says it will) when it starts to grow back. Plus, you already have become a curly-haired role model for MacKenzie.

You are beautiful, period. WE all know it, now start believing it yourself.

Linda said...

I never get in our pool when we have company. It's just not pretty. There is a very expensive treatment to get curly hair straight called Brazilian Keratine treatment and it only lasts about 4-6 months but it sure works. I had it done on my frizzy hair about a year ago and it's the first time in my life that I loved my hair. The problem is the cost-for long hair about $400 or more but if you shop around you can find it cheaper and I think you can buy it yourself on ebay. Or just live with your hair as is-maybe in a ponytail?

Makayla said...

Its always nice being able to see old friends and get to know them again! I am sure you and your family will have a great time! You sound like a wonderful person and I am sure your friends know that you are and I doubt they will focus on little imperfections. Besides, your curly hair is super cute and pretty!

Live*Laugh*Love
Makayla

Gina Johnson said...

Love your honesty, ALL of us suffer from "that feeling" of insecurity from time to time. I think you are fabulous; both inside and out! I hope you had a great visit, the beach looks so beautiful. Enjoy your family!! xo,Gina

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