Empty-Nest November

I have officially declared the month Empty-Nest November.
I do this because people always ask me, "What's it like being an empty-nester?"
And my response is, "I have no idea! My children are home all the time."
When all three kids left for college at the end of August, we anticipated missing them. But it was a rough start with Tucker being sick. He was home most every weekend and some days before and after the weekend to visit the doctor or the dentist. Finally, around the end of September, he was healthy, but the weekends home were well established. Add to that, the fact that his girlfriend lives here in town, and we still see him every other weekend.

Tucker obviously having a horrible
time at the campus Halloween party.

The university luckily has a bus that he can take home, so we haven't been able to ban him from returning. What it means, is like a baby and toddler who doesn't bond with his parents, he hasn't really been able to bond with his college. He's drawn back to Columbus, a town that is easy to love.
So the last day of October, first weekend in November, Tucker sat down with me and Earl to explain why he didn't want to go back to his college in January. Instead, he wants to stay in Columbus. He'll attend the local community college and transfer to Ohio State.
Earl and I were really opposed to this. Then the fight began about whether he'd have to live at home or could get an apartment. We stuck to our guns, saying he wasn't old enough or responsible enough to get an apartment. He could live at home while going to school and then move into the dorms at Ohio State in the fall.
So, if he follows through with this, come the middle of December, he'll be home until August. Earl and I have a whole list of conditions for Tucker, and one of those includes that he must stay on campus the entire month of November until Thanksgiving. He also has to join two clubs and sign up for classes in January, just in case he changes mind. (Fingers crossed!). We told him he'd have to work while living at home and that he needed to be "more pleasant" to Earl and me.
If I was a teenager, I'd definitely go back to living in the dorms in January and plan to transfer the following year, but we'll see what he decides.

Grace at a recent audition, slowly
recovering from her illness. 

Also cutting down on our empty-nest days this fall is the fact that Grace has been ill for weeks. After two weeks of believing she had the flu, the health center finally declared she had mono or strep. Since the treatment for strep and mono are very different, Earl picked Grace up and took her to our doctor where they did actual tests and decided Grace had mono.
She hasn't been that sick since she was a baby. Her fever continued for days. She was miserable and too weak to make her own coffee in the mornings. So she was home for a week and every weekend trying to recover, through this past Monday.
Thus, my call for Empty-Nest November.
Whether Tucker transfers colleges or not, our empty-nest days are still coming to an end. Grace will graduate from college in December. With her degree in Theater, she may face a long audition period before she gets a job in her field. We decided that it didn't make sense to continue to pay rent on her apartment by her college, so she'll be moving home until she has a full-time job.
If we knew that she was staying in Columbus, we'd definitely  help her get settled in an apartment here, but she may end up anywhere. She's going to audition for cruise ships in December, so she could be out of the house in January.
Earl and I are prepared for a longer period of grown-children invasion. But as we look back at our brief empty-nest period, we feel like we hardly got to enjoy it. So we're really splurging in November.
We ordered pizza with mushrooms on it the other night, something the kids would never eat. I'm rarely cooking these days, and when I do, only cooking things that I really want!
Earl and I realize that someday we'll wish our kids would come home more often, but until then, how can we miss them if they won't go away?
We'll delight in Empty-Nest November and look forward to some family time through the holidays.

The College Race

I'm ignoring my blog this week as I rush to get my boys ready for college. Yesterday morning, I was just shaking my head. The boys might be feeling a little angst, but that is not translating into getting prepared. I made a list for them and told them to go to the store. They couldn't find the car keys. Tucker remembered having them the night before at a celebration. He immediately got on his phone and started texting to see if anyone had seen the keys. I told the boys to take the other car to the store. They left then a minute later reappeared. They had forgotten the list and the gift card they were supposed to use at the store.

New shoes are a necessity.

This kind of thing went on all day with just flustered activity here and there. We had a steak dinner and I planned it for 6 because Earl was supposed to be at a meeting at 7. But, he didn't get home from work in time to join us. We figured no big deal since Spencer is only going to be an hour and a half awainstead of a thousand miles away. I take Spencer down to college today so he can go through orientation. Then Tucker moves in tomorrow. The hectic will be replaced by an eerie quiet, I suspect. Hope you all are having peaceful weeks.

Changes

What if you left your life for six months then popped back in. What do you think would be different?
That's kind of what happened for my oldest son Spencer.
I took him back to college on Jan. 3. He arrived home last night.
Life went on, of course.
"Where's the trash can?" he asked turning toward the kitchen corner where the trash can used to be.
We painted that corner of the kitchen and moved the trashcan under the sink.
"Can I take a shower in the downstairs bathroom?" he asked.
"Ask Dad," I told him. "He just caulked it."
"Where is Dad?" he asked. "Still in bed?"
The clock read 11:19 a.m.
When Spencer left for college in January, Earl hadn't switched to working days. When he worked until midnight or 1 a.m., he often slept in (but never until 11).
"No, Spence, Dad is at work." He looked puzzled.
The entire world had shifted while he studied and partied in Florida.
"Can I switch to the basement bedroom when Grace moves into her apartment?" he asked.
"No, Tucker took over that bedroom. You can't kick him out."
When Spencer walked in the door last night, he scooped up one of our cats. "He seems so much calmer," Spencer said to the cat.
Just hang around for a little while and the cat will be skidding back and forth across the wood floors.
Not everything changes.

The Calm of September?

I say throughout my life that things will calm down soon. And they should.
Many things on my plate have slid off, if you will.
Two kids back in college.
Revisions to my novel completed and off to be edited.
Classes begun at both colleges where I teach.
I should now fall into the rhythm of a nearly empty-nest life. My 17-year-old is a senior in high school, and he asks for very little, except enough junk food in the house to keep him full. And it suddenly seems very important to him that I attend things like "back to school" night.
I begin my mornings with luxurious runs that I actually look forward to. I think I'm finally back in shape so I don't dread it.
This morning, after five miles, I decided I'd run to Starbucks to get coffee for me and Tucker. So I ran that 6th mile along a busy road, feeling strong and hopefully looking peppy in case anyone I knew should drive past.
The run this morning convinced me that I've recovered from my running attempts in Florida, which is just too hot and humid for summer runs. No wonder I never ran while we lived there.
Driving 1000 miles to drop Spencer off at school last Thursday and driving 1000 miles back on Monday took its toll. But it was nice to meet his friends and see the hole that is a dorm room where he will live for the year. His roommate is a stand-up guy named Christian who comes from Atlanta, Georgia and spends a lot of time volunteering. I'm hoping that rubs off on Spencer who has already investigated volunteering at a nearby state park along the Sunshine Skyway Bridge. He just has to figure out how to get there since he doesn't have a car.
Grace's life has changed greatly since she started college three years ago as a biology major at a college 10 hours away in north country New York. Then she changed to a language major, learning French, Italian and German. Now she has switched again, landing only about 20 minutes away from home and majoring in theater.
She's a dance minor because when she auditioned, the professors decided she'd be a perfect Rockette. They dragged her down to the office of a professor who once worked as a Rockette and that professor agreed. Grace now starts her mornings each week day with a dance class: ballet, modern or tap.
But the professors had another suggestion that she major in theater with an emphasis in opera, so that happened. She loves opera and credits years of opera camp for giving her the love of languages that she has.
In addition to a new college and new majors, she also was cast in a show that runs the first three weeks of October. She plays a 25-year-old secretary who has an affair with her boss and gets pregnant, but that's not the main conflict, just one of many in this original play called "Coming Out." They hope to move the play to off-Broadway next. Will Grace go with them?
At this point, I can only hold on for the ride.
Did I say things were calm in September? I'd better enjoy this sunny afternoon and try not to think about it.

Saturday Snapshot -- College Paradise

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I keep saying that my life is going to slow down and I'm going to have more time to devote to blogging. That's not happening so far, but maybe soon since my second son is safely delivered to college in Florida.
Here's a picture of the two of us sitting on the deck of The Hurricane restaurant on St. Petersburg Beach. It's become a tradition now for us to have lunch at The Hurricane before dropping him off for a year on his own.

Even though he towers a foot taller than me, I still feel that twang in my belly when we drive away from campus knowing I won't see him again for at least three months.

Melodrama

Grace has such a hard time with change. After packing and hugs and a thousand goodbyes this morning, she climbed into the car and said:

"Have a nice life without me." 

 

 That was so melodramatic, we both had to laugh then.

I'll miss her, but once she has transitioned, she'll forget all about her old mom. 

Daughter Departure

My life is about to get very quiet.
This weekend, Grace is still home. Tucker, a junior in high school, will stick around for a couple more years, but Grace leaves for college on Monday.

Mom and Dad have driven up from Florida and will spend the weekend here to see Grace before she heads off to New York.

We'll all jostle each other in this small house, enjoying the camaraderie and the constant sports on television that comes with a visit from my dad.
Then Earl's family, including preschooler Caroline and baby Regan, will visit on Sunday evening. Lots of family and visits this weekend.
On Monday morning, Earl and Grace will pull out of the driveway with her bicycle attached to the back of the car. And I will be alone.
Grace and I talk about our relationship. We love spending time together -- walking to get coffee, riding bikes, doing P90X, sitting on the couch and watching Toddlers and Tiaras. We talk about our problems and our triumphs. So I'll miss her a lot.

Here's where Grace will sleep in the sorority house.

But we also talked about the fact that we might start to get on each other's nerves if we didn't have this separation of months in school, if we instead spent all of our time together.
Grace and I are lucky that we've transitioned from the mother-child relationship to a grown up relationship. Sometimes I'm still too bossy, like a mother is, and sometimes she's petulant,
My quiet won't last forever though. Everyone will be home again at Thanksgiving, and there's always next summer when my house will be filled with kids, or grownups, again.

Shouldn't We All have Gone to College Someplace Like This?

After a 16-hour drive, we arrived.

Ah, yes. Let the learning begin.

But first, the parents deserve a refreshing drink.

Snow!

This is what happens if you go to college in north country New York.
Lots of snow!

Just wish she'd have a little fun sometimes. :)

Homecoming

Grace and Earl are driving through the night right now on their way home. Grace has a week off for Thanksgiving.
Her sheets are clean and the blankets are folded back on her bed.
I can't remember what it was like when I came home from college. I think I was so caught up in spending time with my friends that I probably didn't even notice the comfort of being home.
I hope that when Grace walks through the door at home she feels the same way that I do now when I walk in my parents' house, no matter what house they live in -- Ohio, Kentucky or Florida. Of course, as an adult and as a mother, walking in my parents' house has always felt like a shedding of the weight that I carry on my shoulders. Whoosh! All the responsibility melts away and I'm a duaghter again instead of a wife, mother, teacher, writer.
I joked with the students in my class last night that I imagined we might spend the entire week with me on the courch and Grace's head on my lap.
But that's a fantasy too, since I'll be in bed when she gets home and then I'm off to a swim meet at 6:30 a.m. before a basketball scrimmage at 10 and... well, it's a typical weekend at our house. There will be little time to sit with her head resting in my lap.
Still, just having her at home makes everything feel a little more secure.

Be Our Guest

She came home after two months at college for her mid-semester break. Four days off school and swim practice and dark bicycle rides through the early morning. A 10-hour car ride home, 3 hours with a friend to Rochester. Then Earl wove his way through Ohio, Pennsylvania, and the confusing streets of Rochester, New York to fetch her. They arrived home at 3:30 a.m.
She brought her own toothpaste, as if we wouldn't have any or wouldn't share with her. I guess she's responsible for herself now -- and that's a good thing. Right?

She's Fine

I talked to my husband Sunday morning.
"So what are you guys going to do today?"
"Nothing," I said. "Same thing as last night. We're doing nothing."
I think this was a mystery to him. He probably pictured hiking and spending time delving into buildings on campus. Checking out the nearby rivers and locks.
My visit to Grace at college wasn't about sightseeing or shopping. It was only about spending some time together.
That's why when I picked her up at her dorm, after hanging out for awhile to meet some of the people, I whisked her away to a hotel where we plopped on the bed, turned on the football game and talked. She leafed through People magazine, reaching over to hold my hand occasionally.

Slowly, the good and the bad came out, covering the three weeks we had been apart.
We spent the 22 hours together just talking except when we slept. She doesn't have a television at college, so after the football game I let her surf. She put on Cake Boss and took out the knitting that I had brought to her. She started making a scarf in her new school colors.
We looked at the blogs of mutual friends and Facebook statuses. And we talked some more.
She has landed pretty well. She got a great roommate who makes her hot cocoa when she's melting down and brings her goggles over to the pool when she forgets them. She has some terrific friends who spend their weekends performing at the talent shows and keeping an eye on the drunk people who stumble in. She loves most of her classes.
She's just having a hard time leaving behind this group of friends, and family. Now, she admits, if she came home, she'd miss the group of friends at college.
Loving both sets of friends is how it should feel. Missing the old, but embracing the new.
In the parking lot, as I prepared to leave, she held onto me tight and cried. But she didn't cry as hard or as long as last time

On The Road Again

For those of you who are wondering, yes, I'm going to visit Grace this weekend.
Thanks to all of my friends, whose opinions I value, who encouraged me to continue to nurture my daughter even though she is, technically, an adult.
This has been a tough week for Grace as she battled leg pain and finally visited the health center to learn that she has either sprained her right calf or has tendonitis. She is banished from dryland practice until she heals. That means limiting her activities, keeping her leg elevated as much as possible and icing it.
After her morning visit to the Health Center, she developed Montezuma's Revenge and a fever Wednesday afternoon.
All of these illnesses and injuries may be normal for college freshman, it's just hard with her being so far away from home. Some of her friends have already travelled home for the weekend and that's not a possibility for her since she's nine and half hours away.
I made a hotel reservation where we plan to hole up, watch TV, read trashy magazines, and luxuriate in the privacy of a bathroom that she doesn't have to share with 40 other girls. The hotel was pricier than I had hoped, so I only plan to stay one night, but I can extend my stay to a second night if we need to.
Grace sent me a list of things to bring, which includes her knitting, movies like Moulin Rouge and Bride and Prejudice, and one of the cats. I declined to bring the cats because I'd like a full night's sleep without them.
Grace has had a lot of positives this week though, including a swing dance class that she loved before she found out about the leg issues.
She had also volunteered to help with costumes at the theater and she found out this week that she can use her work study to get paid for doing costumes and makeup at the theater. Perfect!
I'm looking forward to seeing Grace and spending some time without all the testosterone in my house, even though my boys need nurturing too. They'll be fine without me for the weekend. They and Earl can make it a macho weekend, full of football games and potato chips.

Cell-Phone Parenting

I hate being a cell-phone parent.
Maybe that is what I have been since my kids started school four years ago and I gave all three of them a phone. It's convenient to keep track of them as they roam our little town. "Where are you?" I will text.
"At the turf," comes the reply a second later.
They know they must answer their phones when I call or text, or they risk losing their cell phones. "You have that phone so I can reach you!" I threaten.
Having one child go far away puts a whole new spin on cell-phone parenting.
When I went to college, my parents arranged for me to await their call each Sunday night. I would linger in the lobby waiting for the one phone in the dorm to ring. I wasn't very mature at age 17 when I went away to college. I'm sure my conversations with my parents depended on what kind of mood I was in right at that moment.
Now, Grace can contact me and I can contact her during every up and down of her life. And we do.
My friend Michelle explained that the freshman year is like a W -- it has its ups and downs. They love it one moment then hate it the next. I think Grace's first few weeks have been like WWWWWW. She made friends. She loved everyone in her dorm.But, scheduling her classes was a mess -- she hated it. Their dorm made a music video, but she missed an assignment because she didn't see the posting.
They went swimming in the river and jumped off a rope swing, but she lost her student id so she couldn't get into the dorm or go to the cafeteria.
When Grace calls or texts with these dilemmas, she doesn't really ask what she should do. She is just sharing her life. (Okay, I did help with scheduling classes:P)
When she missed the assignment in class, she had already gone to the professor to see how to make it up. When she lost her student id, she went to security. She called me as she trudged across campus in the 95-degree heat to get her driver's license. She wanted to complain. That's fine. I can take the complaining. When I check with her later, she is usually fine.
Learning about the ups and downs as they occur feels exhausting. It's like watching a far away movie that my kid is starring in. I can't affect the outcome at all.
Last night, the swim team was having a ritual. Grace was petrified. Were they going to be hazed?
She tried to ferret out details. Red wine would be involved. "Don't wear anything that you mind getting stained" was my advice. Were the older girls seriously going to force them to drink? I tried to be reassuring.
Meanwhile, she arranged for her roommate and a friend to walk over to retrieve her from the swim team ritual at 11 p.m. That way, if she had been forced to drink, she would get home safely. That seems like a smart exit strategy.
Overall, she's making mature choices.
Now I just need to get to the point that I can let go of the worries about her as she burrows her way out of the bottom of that W and heads to the next peak. I'm sure that with a three-day weekend upon us, she will be soaring along the top of the W all weekend long.

Here's Grace teaching her baby cousin, Caroline, how to text in case she ever needs some cell-phone parenting from her mom.

Almost Time

We're at a motel in upstate New York. That's right -- a motel. And if you ever toured the U.S. in the 1970s, you'll recognize the kind of motel It's one-story and brick. You can pull up right to the doorway and unload your car. This motel happens to have about a dozen or more motorcycles parked in front of the doors. Apparently, a lot of older people from Canada ride their motorcyles to upstate New York for the weekend.
The room inside is nice though with wood floors and wooden tables, a bed, and a rollaway bed so that Earl, Grace and I can all fit. Grace and I shared the bed while Earl took the cot.
So far, tears have fallen intermittently and sobs have shaken Grace's swimmer's shoulders several times.
Before we left yesterday, she sat on her bed clutching a stuffed panda bear, rocking back and forth as she cried.
We lured her out with the promise of a family breakfast and convinced her to bring the panda bear along. Breakfast with the boys was a little belligerent with Tucker picking apart everything I said, before the boys gave hugs to their sister who was going away for four months. Well, Spencer gave a hug. Tucker stood still and was hugged.
Spencer had asked me earlier in the week, "Will you cry when you leave Grace?"
"Of course, I will," I told him.
"I'm not going to cry," he said.
And he didn't, but he gave her a few words of encouragement.
While we were driving nine hours, I called and checked on the boys. Spencer had "a few" friends over, including Chelsea and Hannah. Um, no. That's not okay.
At least it took my mind off the impending departure.
Today is the day when we get to travel about 15 miles, find Grace's dorm room, make up her bed, put some posters on the wall, have lunch in the cafeteria, walk around the campus and sit in Adirondack chairs. I can cheerfully anticipate all of that. I just can't think about that moment -- that moment that is stamped onto the schedule -- family goodbye at 4:30 p.m.
That's when we'll climb in the car and leave her alone with people she has only met on Facebook.

Emotional Eating

My husband was going to the store for the second time yesterday in preparation for some evening guests when I asked him to bring home some cookies. Those chocolate kind with the marshmallow inside.
He didn't point out that I had been eating healthy for a couple of weeks sticking to fruits, vegetables and proteins. He just bought the cookies.
I guess I'm an emotional eater because a few hours of sorting things in my daughter's room, counting the days -- 3 -- before she leaves for college, made me crave cookies.
I ate two when he returned and got back to the business of helping her pack her clothes.
People keep asking how I am with the move to college. I don't have a choice. My role in this is to be positive and upbeat and to eat an occasional cookie.
Grace has taken the emotional road. She cries. She lays her head in my lap when I am sitting on the couch. She hugs me whenever we are within a foot of each other. She holds my hand as we walk through the store to look for new clothes.
She chose the college 10 hours away when she originally protested going away at all.
Now she says, "I don't think I can go."
The tuition has been paid. The classes scheduled. The roommate is waiting.
My only role is to be supportive. I can show no chink in the armor.
"You can do this" is my mantra.
Now her belongings are stacked in bins.
Earl has repainted and reconstructed the window seat that Grace sat on during the play Little Women last year. She will take that with her as a bridge between her high school years and this new independent section of life. She has filled the window seat with her bedspread and mattress cover still in plastic wrapping. Within it are sets of sheets and matching towels never used.
And I can't think about that moment when we pull away from the college and she isn't in the car, when it's no longer my job to put on a brave face.