Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Emotional StraitJacket

Do you remember, 15 or 20 years ago, there was a big hullabaloo about EQ, emotional quotient, as opposed to IQ?
I have to say that if I took an EQ test, I would probably score very low. I have the hardest time understanding my own emotions.
Last week, I wrote about my "denial" of all the trials going on in my life and on Saturday morning, I posted and said I was in a very low place. I'm so out of touch with my emotions, that I couldn't figure out how I got to that low spot.
Okay, learning that my job is cutting back, then Grace crashing the car in the garage and my dad having a triple bypass all were valid reasons for me to feel down. But on Thursday, even as I knew everything would turn out okay, my mood plummeted and I couldn't figure out why.
Finally, mid-morning Saturday, it dawned on me.
Thursday morning, my husband and oldest son had a conversation about a concert he was attending that night. My husband asked where it was and Spencer replied, "At the Newport."
"That place is a tinder box," my husband replied.
"Yeah, it's pretty gross. But fun," Spencer agreed.
That afternoon, my mom posted a photo of my sister-in-law visiting my dad at the hospital. I wanted to visit my dad, but, with two kids in college, we didn't have enough money for me to fly down and visit. I love my sister-in-law (actually ex-sister-in-law) and I'm glad she was there, but I was so sad that at my age, I didn't have the extra money to fly down and be with my parents.
So I slogged through Thursday and Friday then Saturday morning feeling very depressed. --
I was sitting in the sun in the backyard, listening to the band playing as they marched in the Memorial Day parade when it hit me -- Memorial Day.
Memorial Day Weekend. The weekend my sister died 36 years ago. In a fire at a nightclub.
The innocuous conversation about the concert Spencer was going to suddenly made sense.
And understanding why my mood had plummeted helped me climb out of that sad place.
I think I probably feel like this every Memorial Day weekend, but I'm so out of touch with my emotions that I don't even realize it. I always need a light bulb moment.
So next year around this time, will one of you fabulous readers please remind me. It's okay. I'll get through it if I can just remember that it will pass.


Sally Tharpe Rowles said...

Oh Paulita, I am so sorry. I read your post about Tammy & cried. Of course this time of year is hard for you. I also read the comments people had left. Many told you how beautifully written the post was. I agree.

My thoughts are with you & your hard it must have been for your parents...just devastating.

With Grace driving through the garage & your son going to a concert in an unsafe club, you must be relating to their grief as well. Thankfully your children are safe & you must be feeling just how precious those lives are.

Lucia said...

Big Hugs!

Lucia said...

Big Hugs!

Paulita said...

Sally, Thanks for your words of encouragement. Like you, I can't imagine experiencing the loss of a child. But when I'm feeling low, it doesn't help to think that I've got it better than other people.
Lucia, Thanks for the hugs.

Linda said...

It's funny how our bodies "remember" dates. Glad you realized the source of your blues. Hope things get better.

Anne in Oxfordshire said...

Dear Paulita ,, YOu have so much to contend with in your life right now , so sorry to read this.

A very hard time, not just with one thing but your job, Grace's crash and your poor dad.

Your children are safe and I send you a prayer for your dad. Big hugs.

Anne in Oxfordshire said...

And memories of your sister passing. I can understand why you feel the need to protect Spencer ,, x

I think you have so much going on with other people that you have forgotten to put yourself first for once .. I believe this is why we lose touch with our own emotions. xx

Just Me said...

Very powerful post.

It's crazy how it all works - our feelings that is - and how we can possibly not know what's truly going on - and yet it happens to us, all the time - over an over.

My heart goes out to you and the very real yet unspeakable and unthinkable fear of possibly losing a child.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Genie -- Paris and Beyond said...

I am thinking about you and sending you hugs across the many miles.


Sheila said...

Reading that post about your sister still makes me cry. No wonder you get down at this time of year. Maybe now that you've thought through the connection to Memorial Day you'll be quicker to recognize it in the future.

Tamara said...

Thank you so much for sharing your 'discovery' of your life long grief resurfacing. How many of us trudge through the 'dull' days and the difficult times without respecting that there's usually a connection to something significant in our lives. Your insight shared with us will help many of us connect with our significant moments. I know your post reminded me to respect my concerns.
Prayers and hugs to you this week.

Alyce said...

Wow, I hadn't realized you'd been going through all of this. I'm finally catching up on reading some old posts. I hope things are looking up for you.

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