Raising Adult Children

A lot of times, I write about my frustrations with my children,  now ages 24, 22 and 20. No more teenagers, yet this summer, we all find ourselves together living within our small house.
As the children grew, the house began to feel smaller, of course. Tucker is 6-feet tall and Spencer is 6-foot 4-inches tall, while Grace is 5-foot 10-inches. Everyone in the family towers over me. And if we get in the living room together, everyone's long legs jut into the middle and make me feel a little claustrophobic.

We convinced Grace to live at home until after a trip to London this fall. She has an apartment ready to move into when she returns, if she returns. She's hoping to find work in London. We told her it didn't make sense to rent a place if she might move. Getting through a summer with her brothers in the house is  proving to be a challenge though. The boys believe they have an innate right to choose the television stations, even though there's another equally good television in the basement.
And the two boys can be intolerant of Grace when she's dramatic. That's why she's an actress though.
Yesterday while I was at work, Grace and Spencer got into a fight. This wasn't the first time.
Grace had said hurtful words to Spencer earlier in the summer, and now Spencer had a chance to fling them back at Grace.
As I talked to them both individually last evening, I realized what they didn't -- the words had hurt each of them.
I mean, Grace knew she was hurt by Spencer's words, and Spencer knew he was hurt by Grace's words, but neither of them realized how hurtful they had been to the other.
"He's holding onto that pain a month later," I explained to Grace.
And I also let Spencer know how deep his shot had landed on his sister.
Last night, as Spence headed to bed, he stopped by Grace's bedroom. I didn't hear his apology, but I was encouraged that he'd reached that place of maturity. He didn't want her hurting.
And that's my hope for the future with my kids. They realize how important they are to each other, even when they're fighting. Their opinions matter. Their judgment of each other matters, even when they say it doesn't.
Tucker has vacated the house for 10 days, going on a hiking trip to Utah with some friends.

He texted me throughout the day, and night, as they drove. "To Illinois."
"In Nebraska where the time changes."
"Driving straight thru instead of stopping."
"Just got to Salt Lake City."
With five of them in the car, they drove overnight.
Sometimes it's easier for Tucker and me to communicate when he's far away. He's still in that stage where I might not get more than a grunt or nod out of him in the morning or when he comes home from work.
As I was walking this morning, I heard a song.

And it immediately took me back to a time with Tucker. 

When Tucker was 11, his brother and sister had started school while Tucker continued to homeschool. He was at a swimming peak, and the two of us often drove to swim meets together.
Tucker would make CDs for us to listen to in the car, and this was one of the songs he included.
I remember listening to the song and dancing in the driver's seat, and embarrassing Tucker. But we laughed about it.
Every song I hear from that CD reminds me of those good shared experiences, and the kid who is in there and might, like a butterfly, emerge again.
Meanwhile, he's doing what he needs to. He works five days a week, he's taking college classes, he's playing soccer or Frisbee golf or working out, and he's spending time with friends.
Someday we may laugh again about something ridiculous, but in the end, I know he loves me, even if he isn't that 11-year-old anymore.
Maybe you can remind me the next time I'm kvetching about my kids, that there's good too. I just have to remember it.

Saturday Snapshot -- Life

Oftentimes when I'm avoiding my blog, it's because I don't want to deal with my emotions. I'm  not pouring them out to readers because I don't actually want to face them.
Instead, I try to find joy where I can.
So I'll join West Metro Mommy for this weekly meme of photos people have taken and share on their blogs.

I took an afternoon to read a book on my front porch during a sunny day this week. And the cats decided to join me.

I love that Tybs was peeking around the flower. Life can seem idyllic, if you're a cat.

I'll be reviewing the book that swept me away for Dreaming of France on Monday, so I hope you'll check back then.

And here's a photo of my son on his way to a job interview, looking handsome in his new suit.

It's raining here today, so it looks like an inside day for me. I've already run five miles in the rain. I plan to make a pineapple upside down cake, take a warm shower and finish grading for the end of the semester. Maybe I'll even do some writing. Have a good weekend.

Saturday Snapshot -- Adventures of My Daughter

Join West Metro Mommy for this weekly meme of photos people have taken and share on their blogs.
My daughter and some friends are in Paris this week. She's on a 5-week European adventure.
At the Louvre, they came up with a unique (to me) photo idea.

So it's a selfie with all four of them leaning over the camera and the ornate ceiling of the Louvre is above them. 

Genius.

Hope everyone else is having a terrific holiday weekend. 

Boys to Men

I'm not a very honest blogger.
I think I avoid writing about the topics that are hurtful. Instead, I attempt to be funny or divert to book plots.
That's why, right now, I have a blog post languishing that begins:

So, he moved out yesterday and left without kissing me goodbye.

Both of my boys have now moved into apartments, and they were very different departures.

Yes, you can still see his ribs. He never did put
on weight while living in the college dorms.

Spencer came home from college for about a week. He slept most of the days away, caught up with his friends in the evenings, and even found some time to scrape the garage so we can paint it.
He drove back to school on Sunday with his car filled with clothes and an air mattress so that he can camp out in his house until we take his furniture down on Saturday.
He texts me things like, "Can you bring down a spatula?" and "The mac and cheese seems really watery." So I had to tell him he should drain off the water before he added the cheese.

I drove down Thursday with his desk, and we hung curtains and took a trip to the grocery store to stock up on essentials.
Spence is far from perfect, but he's interested in talking about things. So I can tell him about my classes and students or have conversations about Grace and her adventures. And he shares a lot with me too.
He hasn't even complained about the flamingo and palm tree dishes I bought for him at the garage sales last weekend.
Earl and I are going back down today with a truckload of furniture so he'll have his real bed, a couch and a dresser.
The apartment is fine on the inside, but the outside looks like typical student apartments, kind of run down with steps crumbling and the porch overhang a bit rotten. It's the kind of place that parents would never approve of renting, but college students are a bit more eager. I'm sure it'll be fine for one year.
Spence has already texted the maintenance guy about a leak under the sink, a crack in a window and a slow draining bathtub.
He's still waiting to have internet installed. He called before he moved in and set up installation, but that internet company had some equipment challenges. So yesterday he called the other internet company. He's learning about the frustrations of dealing with utilities. I'm sure the experience will be an eye-opener for him.
So there was the peaceful transition of one boy to his first apartment.

Tucker moved out two weeks ago, on May 1.
I was gone to work and when I came home, a beat up pickup truck behind the garage was partially loaded with furniture.
He and his new roommate carried out mattresses and a desk and dresser then bags full of clothes. When we asked if he needed help, he said, "No."
And he left then, without kissing me goodbye.

Even through all the tense times we've had since Tucker returned home from college in December and lived at home throughout the winter and into spring, he has leaned over to let me plant a kiss on his bearded cheek most days, whether in the morning as he left for class or in the afternoon as he left for work, or even when he came home at night from time out with his friends.
19 is hard.
He thinks he's an adult, but he's still making adolescent mistakes.
We had said we wouldn't help pay for an apartment. He could live at home, or he could go to college and live in a dorm.

All three of my kids on Tucker's 19th birthday in March.

This spring, we agreed to let him move into an apartment with a friend in the hope it might help our relationship. We didn't seem to have conversations, but terse snapping one liners at each other.
He hated being home and having to answer questions like, "Did you go to class?"; "How are your grades?"; "What are you doing tonight?"
The questions might even be polite, like "how was your day?" but he bristled each time.
So after he left, I was heart broken that things were so bad between us.

But just two days before he left, I was in bed around 11, with my door closed to keep the cats from annoying me, as they like to do when I try to sleep. Suddenly, the door was pushed open and Tucker said, "Mom, will you come help me?"
I jumped up and went into the bathroom where he was leaning over a trash can throwing up.
He had a splitting pain in his head. He felt sure it was a brain tumor, as many of us do.
"I think it's a migraine," I said.
I got a cold cloth and put it on the back of his neck. I found the Excedrin migraine medicine and he was able to keep that down.
I settled him on the couch and sat next to him until he stopped sweating and seemed able to relax.
Then my husband took my spot and sat up until he fell asleep.

So even as Tucker brusquely moved out of our house, I remembered that just two nights before, he had turned to me when he needed me.
And my goal will be that he knows I'm here for him. That doesn't mean that I will bail him out of every situation or give him money, but I'll always love him, and he can move back home if he wants to.

The day after he moved out, he came back home and ate with us. On Sunday, he texted me and asked what time family dinner was. I hadn't actually been planning a family dinner, but since Grace was leaving for Europe and Spencer was home, it was an excellent idea.
I saw Tucker most days the week after he moved out. When I went to the grocery store, I bought an extra gallon of milk for him.
I offered him a box of Raisin Bran Crunch that hadn't been opened yet.
"No, that's okay. We only have one bowl," he said.
So during the neighborhood garage sales last week, I found Spencer's flamingo dishes and another set of dishes for Tucker's apartment for only $5.
Last week, he and his roommate drove to Colorado to stay for the week and bring a friend home from college.

Crystal Lake at Pike's Peak

We've had some heated exchanges about the amount of data he's using on his phone, but he also sent me some lovely scenic pictures.

Garden of the Gods

Our relationship still has many mountains ahead, up and downs, but I know he loves me, and I'll keep working to treat him like an adult -- an independent adult, and hopefully he'll move toward that title.

Also connecting with Saturday Snapshot today because there are some lovely photos in spite of the very long post.

Love is in the Air

When Grace finished college in December, she moved back in with us. I, of course, was thrilled. I consider Grace one of my closest friends and love having her around. That's not to say we don't annoy each other occasionally...
One of the difficult things for Grace, as she turned 23 in January, is dating while living at home. At Thanksgiving, she started dating a guy who she liked. They grew closer and ended up dating for three months. Then, the Monday before Valentine's Day, they went out one night, had a lovely time, and she didn't hear from him again. Usually they texted each other several times a day, sharing news of their lives.
She finally got a text from him on Friday before Valentine's Day. He said he was busy all weekend so she should go out with her friends and have fun.
That is the last she heard from the guy.

This is one of Grace's new headshots for her acting career

I know Grace liked him, and I know she was heartbroken, but she surprised me by not wallowing in it.
Last week, she had dates with three different guys. She created her own version of the Bachelorette. She'd come home and say, "Chad is not getting a rose."
But while she was trying to assuage her broken heart, she accidentally met a guy she really liked. And that's why, now, a week later, she's had half a dozen dates with one guy. Sometimes, they have two dates per day, meeting for brunch then later for drinks.
"See!" I said. "This is what it feels like when you really like someone."
With the other guy, the one who disappeared, she'd be figuring out her schedule and saying things like, "Well, I have to work early tomorrow so I don't think I'll go out tonight."
With this new guy, she stayed out until 3:30 in the morning without a thought for the next day's schedule.
Last night, the new guy picked her up here at home. We never met the guy she dated for three months, but we met the new guy last night, after a week.
After I came home from teaching yesterday, I had worked out. I still wore a sweatshirt.
"Aren't  you going to change your shirt?" she asked. She must really like him if she wants me to make a good impression, I thought.
So I changed into a more fashionable shirt with a cardigan, and I was ready when he showed up.
He came to the door and knocked, and she brought him inside for awkward handshakes. He's even taller than Earl, which is like a pot of gold under the rainbow for Grace who stands 5-foot, 10-inches tall. He seemed nice and personable, he has awesome dimples, and he makes my daughter smile.
Whether it lasts or not, Grace knows what it's like to fall hard for someone.

Empty-Nest November

I have officially declared the month Empty-Nest November.
I do this because people always ask me, "What's it like being an empty-nester?"
And my response is, "I have no idea! My children are home all the time."
When all three kids left for college at the end of August, we anticipated missing them. But it was a rough start with Tucker being sick. He was home most every weekend and some days before and after the weekend to visit the doctor or the dentist. Finally, around the end of September, he was healthy, but the weekends home were well established. Add to that, the fact that his girlfriend lives here in town, and we still see him every other weekend.

Tucker obviously having a horrible
time at the campus Halloween party.

The university luckily has a bus that he can take home, so we haven't been able to ban him from returning. What it means, is like a baby and toddler who doesn't bond with his parents, he hasn't really been able to bond with his college. He's drawn back to Columbus, a town that is easy to love.
So the last day of October, first weekend in November, Tucker sat down with me and Earl to explain why he didn't want to go back to his college in January. Instead, he wants to stay in Columbus. He'll attend the local community college and transfer to Ohio State.
Earl and I were really opposed to this. Then the fight began about whether he'd have to live at home or could get an apartment. We stuck to our guns, saying he wasn't old enough or responsible enough to get an apartment. He could live at home while going to school and then move into the dorms at Ohio State in the fall.
So, if he follows through with this, come the middle of December, he'll be home until August. Earl and I have a whole list of conditions for Tucker, and one of those includes that he must stay on campus the entire month of November until Thanksgiving. He also has to join two clubs and sign up for classes in January, just in case he changes mind. (Fingers crossed!). We told him he'd have to work while living at home and that he needed to be "more pleasant" to Earl and me.
If I was a teenager, I'd definitely go back to living in the dorms in January and plan to transfer the following year, but we'll see what he decides.

Grace at a recent audition, slowly
recovering from her illness. 

Also cutting down on our empty-nest days this fall is the fact that Grace has been ill for weeks. After two weeks of believing she had the flu, the health center finally declared she had mono or strep. Since the treatment for strep and mono are very different, Earl picked Grace up and took her to our doctor where they did actual tests and decided Grace had mono.
She hasn't been that sick since she was a baby. Her fever continued for days. She was miserable and too weak to make her own coffee in the mornings. So she was home for a week and every weekend trying to recover, through this past Monday.
Thus, my call for Empty-Nest November.
Whether Tucker transfers colleges or not, our empty-nest days are still coming to an end. Grace will graduate from college in December. With her degree in Theater, she may face a long audition period before she gets a job in her field. We decided that it didn't make sense to continue to pay rent on her apartment by her college, so she'll be moving home until she has a full-time job.
If we knew that she was staying in Columbus, we'd definitely  help her get settled in an apartment here, but she may end up anywhere. She's going to audition for cruise ships in December, so she could be out of the house in January.
Earl and I are prepared for a longer period of grown-children invasion. But as we look back at our brief empty-nest period, we feel like we hardly got to enjoy it. So we're really splurging in November.
We ordered pizza with mushrooms on it the other night, something the kids would never eat. I'm rarely cooking these days, and when I do, only cooking things that I really want!
Earl and I realize that someday we'll wish our kids would come home more often, but until then, how can we miss them if they won't go away?
We'll delight in Empty-Nest November and look forward to some family time through the holidays.

Grown-Up Life

I know I've been a horrible blogger lately, but I see no end in sight!
This weekend, I'm catching up on writing for NaNoWriMo and I have big stacks of papers to grade. Plus grocery, laundry and watch a big football game. (Priorities!)
So I just wanted to post a quick picture of Grace who is at a big audition this morning. In spite of being in Week 3 of mono, she and Earl traveled to West Virginia, and she plans to persevere.

The life of an actress with her coffee and her wheeled suitcase!
Notice the awesome, kick-ass shoes.
Break a leg, Grace!

The Challenge of Raising Impetuous Children

I've been thinking about my son Spencer a lot this week.
From the moment he was born, that boy has been barreling through life. He rarely stops to think through decisions, which makes him a great guy to hang out with, but a little harder to parent.
Just on Friday we had a nice talk. He wanted to put down a deposit for a house that he will move into in June. This all came about quickly on Wednesday, and I suggested maybe he should go talk to someone (i.e. a counselor) about his decision-making processes.
"I don't want to talk to someone about my feelings," he complained. He said he shares his feelings with his friends, and they all give each other advice. I reluctantly pointed out that a counselor might have some different, professional kinds of advice.
Someday, Spencer will probably invent something fabulous or lead a revolution. He is never still. Even as a baby, he would toss and turn, flipping from one side to the other until...suddenly he was asleep. And I'd know he was asleep because that's when he'd stop moving.

As a 4-year-old boy, I remember walking through a Medieval French village with him. He stood at the bottom of a stone wall, sized it up and decided, yep, he could get over that wall. So he started to climb it.
That's the kind of kid he is. He rarely sees something that he thinks he can't tackle.
In the photo above, he's on a French merry go round, one that firmly says no switching horses during the ride. Every time that carousel rotated, Spence was on a different horse, animal, or boat. He just needed to try everything, even when the French attendant wagged his finger at Spencer warningly. Spencer just grinned his irrepressible smile and raised his eyebrows.
He is the kid who, at times, I most like to be around. He's sensitive to my feelings. He asks about my thoughts. But he's also the kid I most dread getting phone calls from because he often lands himself in hot water.
When he gets himself in trouble, I feel such a gnawing in the pit of my stomach -- that fear that maybe this time he won't be able to bounce back. After a day or so, I can see with more perspective that we'll all be okay. Things may not go as we planned, but nothing is irretrievable.

Feathering My Empty Nest

Does anyone else find that the more time you have, the less you get done?
Of course, I'm still working, and my Tuesday did consist of grading 90 rough drafts of essays -- comments and corrections. But I've also found plenty of time to enjoy life.
I lingered over coffee with Leah on Sunday. On Tuesday, I worked out with my friend Pam before walking to get coffee with Sheila.
On Wednesday when I finished teaching classes at noon, I smuggled my husband out of work and we went for a long lunch.

My phone camera is acting up, so I didn't get the earlier shots of
him smiling. We got to sit outside, which was nice.

We were picking up a car that was in the shop for repairs and had to take it to Grace at school. In between the shop and Grace's college is Easton Towne Center, which has a lovely French restaurant called Bon Vie.
I was finished working for the day, so I indulged in a glass of peach sangria.

It was as yummy as it looks.

My turkey and brie sandwich was accompanied with fries, or frites as we might say in France, served in a cute cup.

Earl had pasta with goat cheese.
This week, I've spent some afternoons in the backyard working on a new novel, typing away at my computer as the weather blew from hot to cooler.
Then this morning, after a sweaty, but lovely, 5-mile run, I met my friend Emily for coffee.
I'm not feeling lonely or at loose ends because my children have moved on to college. I still hear from them pretty much every day, including last-minute phone calls about great houses they want to lease for next year.
Health concerns. Emotional concerns.
Frustrations with classes or professors.
Even though they're not home any more, they're still very much embedded in my day-to-day life.
I know that Earl and I are not alone. We run into couples srolling around our little town. They're walking the dog or going for coffee or stopping for drinks.
I feel so fortunate that in my life, I didn't decide to focus only on my children, but cultivated outside interests. Friends, teaching, writing, and spending time with my husband have all helped ease my transition into the empty nest.
Still, this morning after a run, coffee, and a trip to the library, I have felt free to fritter away my time rather than doing something productive, like folding clothes, vacuuming, grading papers, or writing. I have to teach later tonight so my free time will end.
That's okay, I deserve some time to browse the  newspaper then flit from site to site online for a morning. I'm sure I'll be more productive this afternoon.

Musical Spectacular

I had never seen Into the Woods, the Steven Sondheim musical. So last night I was thrilled to see it with Grace performing as Cinderella.
The first act entangles a bunch of fairytales. In addition to Cinderella, there's Rapunzel and Jack and the Beanstalk and Little Red Riding Hood. They follow the Brother's Grimm version rather than the Disney-fied version, but at the end of the first act, everyone lives happily after. A neighbor of mine went to the show Friday night and left at intermission, thinking it was over.
After the intermission, the characters return,  and they aren't quite content with their happily ever after.
The show made me laugh a lot and I thought Grace did beautifully.
I hope to record one of her songs this afternoon and include it in the post.

Here is Grace with me and Earl after the show. 

Young Adults Now

Finally recovering from the graduation festivities this weekend and on Tuesday I dived right into summer classes.
So I'll just share with you this selfie taken by my two oldest children at graduation.
Spencer, home from college in Florida, and Grace, home from college north of Columbus, patiently sat through the speeches and pictures on Sunday. They let it all be about Tucker.

Hope you all are having a great week. 

Changes

What if you left your life for six months then popped back in. What do you think would be different?
That's kind of what happened for my oldest son Spencer.
I took him back to college on Jan. 3. He arrived home last night.
Life went on, of course.
"Where's the trash can?" he asked turning toward the kitchen corner where the trash can used to be.
We painted that corner of the kitchen and moved the trashcan under the sink.
"Can I take a shower in the downstairs bathroom?" he asked.
"Ask Dad," I told him. "He just caulked it."
"Where is Dad?" he asked. "Still in bed?"
The clock read 11:19 a.m.
When Spencer left for college in January, Earl hadn't switched to working days. When he worked until midnight or 1 a.m., he often slept in (but never until 11).
"No, Spence, Dad is at work." He looked puzzled.
The entire world had shifted while he studied and partied in Florida.
"Can I switch to the basement bedroom when Grace moves into her apartment?" he asked.
"No, Tucker took over that bedroom. You can't kick him out."
When Spencer walked in the door last night, he scooped up one of our cats. "He seems so much calmer," Spencer said to the cat.
Just hang around for a little while and the cat will be skidding back and forth across the wood floors.
Not everything changes.

Rounding Up All My Children

Finally, I'm very close to having all three of my children together.
I'm in Florida with my two oldest, Grace and Spencer. Grace finished with college for the year on Tuesday, moved her things home, and we left the next morning to drive to Florida.

It was a very long drive, or maybe it just felt that way because I am getting old. I usually drive the whole way myself but on the last stretch of the trip, I let Grace take over.
Part of what made the trip long, was that we stopped at a park in Charlotte, North Carolina. Our route goes by Charlotte and I had heard about a pretty park there from Jackie McGuiness at Junkboat Travels.
Driving into Charlotte, Grace and I were both struck by how much it felt like our hometown Columbus, Ohio. It's a small, bustling downtown area, which, we noticed, is called "uptown" not downtown.
Charlotte is one of the cities that Grace is considering after she graduates from college. She put it on the top of her list after our stop at The Green.

The Green is a bookish park with author's names as mile markers and stacks of books as statues. We loved it.

 

We got to my parents' house on Wednesday night.

On Thursday, I drove over to St. Petersburg to pick up Spencer from college. I hadn't seen him since Jan. 3 when I dropped him off at school. I've talked to him on the phone and texted plenty, but there's nothing like hugging your kid. 

We loaded up all of his belongings, filling a trash bag full of his big basketball shoes and tying his bicycle onto the top of the car since I forgot the bike carrier. 

It's been a tough year for Spencer in many ways, but he's healthy and he persevered. And I still owe you all the "mafia" story. I promise I'll tell it someday soon.

Now Grace, Spencer and I are at my parents house for a few more days until we drive back to Ohio.

Meanwhile at home, Tucker finished his last day of high school.

Every year at our school, the parents and underclassmen line up for the seniors to walk between us on the last day. They go to the football field across the street and after a few speeches from the students, they release balloons (biodegradable) into the air.

I have missed this ceremony for both of my boys, but Earl has gone both times and took pictures. My friend Betsy also took some pictures of Tucker for me.

Tucker had an AP (Advanced Placement) test on Wednesday afternoon, so he didn't think he'd get to walk with the seniors. He really wanted to be a part of it though. He asked whether he could skip the exam.

The exam can be important because students can earn college credit. They take an advanced class all year and the official AP Exam is what earns them college credit. It doesn't affect their actual classroom grade. 

To me, the college credit seemed more important than a few minutes on the football field, but maybe I wasn't thinking enough about the emotion of it all. 

He ended up taking the test and still getting out in time to walk with his friends.

Here's a picture Betsy sent me that I love. I can picture him hurrying out of the test to join his classmates, afraid he'd be late, but no, there they were. He's smiling to himself with an array of friends behind him.

In a few more days, we'll all be home together preparing for a weekend of graduation and celebration. 

Grace moves out in June, but until then, I'll have all my children together for a little while longer. 

Funny Grace Stories

A lot of joy in my life comes from my kids; of course, a lot of the worry in my life comes from them too. Since I tend to write about the worry more than the joy, I thought I'd share a couple of stories about Grace that actually made my friend Najah stop in the middle of our run to laugh.
Grace was home for part of the weekend. On Saturday evening, she was getting ready to shower for her evening out. She went into the bathroom and said she was going to put on a facial mask that I'd picked up at the store. I explained that she'd need to let it dry, so she might as well come out of the bathroom and wait.

She came into the kitchen where I was fixing dinner -- black beans, rice and chicken. As we stood talking in the kitchen, her face a pale purple with the mask on, we heard the water in the other bathroom turn on. Tucker, just back from a day of Ultimate Frisbee, had hopped in the shower before her.
"Guess you'll have to wait," I said as I cut the chicken into pieces and dumped it into the frying pan with olive oil.
"Fine," she said. "I guess I'll just go watch football until he finishes." She turned around and walked toward the living room.
The television was on with the NCAA men's basketball tournament.
I laughed.
"Grace, it isn't football season anymore," I called.
"Well, baseball or whatever," she said.
I just shook my head. Even growing up with two brothers, a father and a sports-crazed mother, Grace had no interest in sports and seasons. Maybe some day if she has sons of her own, she'll be able to keep it straight.
Another story she shared this weekend had to do with her part in the play, The Graduate. Grace is playing the part of Elaine, Mrs. Robinson's daughter. She's the one who Benjamin, the main character, falls for after his affair with her mother.
The play had been in rehearsals for nearly a week when Grace informed us that the main character had quit. He was just uncomfortable with the sex scenes with Mrs. Robinson, Grace said. He and Grace had already practiced the kissing scenes too. The young man pulled Grace aside after announcing his decision to let her know that his choice had nothing to do with Grace. I'd seen his picture and he's a cutie with bright blue eyes and strawberry blond hair cut short.
"Bummer," I said.
The next day were new auditions for the part of Benjamin. Another guy who Grace knew tried out, and it looked like he had the part. Then the director asked him to make orgasm sounds.

Here's the ending shot of the movie The Graduate. Grace
 gets to wear a wedding dress for this scene. 

"We just want to make sure you're comfortable with the sex scenes," the director told the young man.
"He tried," Grace said, but she confided that he didn't really have much sexual experience either. So he felt really awkward with the scenes too.
The rest of the cast were stumped. What would they do?
Then a student from OSU came in. He was tall enough to play Grace's leading man, but when he began to speak, the cast all exchanged glances. He sounded blatantly gay when he spoke. They couldn't see him in the role.
But when he started acting, he took on the characteristics of the very-straight Benjamin.
One hurdle gotten over.
Then the director asked him to make orgasm sounds. Without skipping a beat, he launched into the orgasm sounds. He had no problem.
They had their new Benjamin.
Later, as they rehearsed, the new Benjamin asked the rest of the cast why the other guys couldn't play the role. The cast hemmed and hawed, wanting to be polite, but admitted that it was about making sex noises.
The new Benjamin seemed a little surprised.
There's something sweet about young men being too shy or too sexually inexperienced to take on the role of Benjamin, but it's not really optimal when they're playing the character on stage.

Selfish

Since the beginning of the year, I've been blogging like a whirlwind, but these past few weeks, I've had my writing soul sucked out as I deal with children complications.
And I really don't want to write about them. I'm tired of thinking about them.
I'd like to just be selfish for a little while.
I have one more class to teach on Friday night and then I'm going to take some me time this weekend.
Do you ever take time for you?
What kinds of ways do you spoil yourself?

Communicating with Young Adult Children

I thought the hardest time communicating with my kids would be when they were little. Maybe they didn't know all the words yet. Maybe they could understand but not speak.
Communication has been hindered even as they grow up.
This morning, Grace texted me asking if we could talk today -- "face to face."
And luckily, we could. I teach in the evenings on Thursday, so I put aside my plans for the day. My writing, my grading, and drove the half hour to her college, picking her up between classes.
She climbed in the car and gave me a big hug.
We drove to Starbucks and I pulled out a legal tablet. I made three columns and put a heading for each one -- her choices for the summer -- an internship in Scotland that would be behind the scenes theater work; a full-time job at the college as front of the house manager of the theater; or a couple of part-time jobs that would allow her to act in a few musicals this summer.
She filled out her list of pros and cons for each possibility. In the end, it didn't matter which column had more pros and fewer cons; it came down to her heart.
Sensibly, she should take the theater job with a chance to make a lot of money and have a solid management credential on her resume. But her heart is in acting. She couldn't bear to give it up.
"Look, you have one more semester at school. There's no reason you have to make a lot of money this summer. That might not be true next summer. Next summer you'll have to be more responsible. Go with what you love." I told her.

I get to see these two more often and communicate in
person with them. But talking with an 18-year-old boy
is never easy. 

Hopefully, she'll make enough to cover her living expenses this summer and her books in the fall. Come December, she'll graduate and be in the real world. This summer she can act. She's starting with The Graduate in April, then has pretty solid promises of roles in Into The Woods and Legally Blonde. It's probably not the most responsible choice, but for most of our lives we have to make the responsible choice rather than doing what we love.
I'm so thankful that Grace is close enough that when she texted and asked me to meet her, I could. That hasn't always been the case since she started at a college 10 hours away.
The distance is one thing I'm negotiating with my youngest as he decides where to go to college. He liked Mizzou (University of Missouri) which is more than an 8-hour drive from home. But he has other choices 1 1/2 hours away and 3 hours away. I have to try to convince him that being within a short driving distance has its advantages. At 18, the far away colleges seem  to be full of promise and intrigue.
On our drive home from the college visit the other night, in the dark as we both stared straight ahead at the highway, I tapped Tucker on the leg and asked him to take off his headphones. Headphones are like armor to teenage boys -- they keep everyone away.
We started talking in the dark, battling at first until finally the walls came down and we told each other how we honestly felt about the colleges, about these last few days of high school. It felt like a reprieve and I could breathe a sigh of relief for a little while.
Which brings me to my other son, age 20, and attending college in Florida. That's a 16-hour drive away. Only a couple of hours on a plane, but the cost adds up for that. He's on spring break in Miami and called yesterday to say that he dropped his cell phone in the hot tub. It's not working now.

This is the hot tub Spencer dropped
his phone into. 

This is not a new phenomenon for my children. Grace dropped her phone in the Mediterranean Sea when she visited Europe.
Luckily, we have an upgrade available, so I can send him a new phone. He was due for one this summer anyway. Without a cell phone, I truly have no way to reach him. I'm hoping for no emergencies until I can get him another phone.
For now, he's perusing the phone choices on our cell phone carrier. I'm already dreading the time when he gets the phone and I have to walk him through activating it. He's my least technically inclined. He'd much rather clear trails in a forest than navigate a computer or cell phone.
So communicating with kids doesn't get that much easier as they grow up, and we try to figure out new ways to keep in touch.
I'm not complaining though. At least we're all still trying to relate to each other.

Spring Breaks

I am on the cusp of spring breaks for my kids. Grace's spring break is wrapping up while Spencer and Tucker are both beginning their spring breaks.
Grace's spring break has been fairly laid back. She went to a local Irish bar to celebrate St. Patrick's Day.
She tried out for a spring production, The Graduate, and got the part of Elaine -- that's Mrs. Robinson's daughter for anyone who doesn't remember. And Benjamin falls in love with Elaine after having the affair with Mrs. Robinson. I think she'll do a great job.
We ate lots of yummy meals, like breakfasts of chocolate croissants or croissants, and goat cheese pasta, and we cracked open a bottle of dessert wine to go with some chocolate lava cakes. Yum.
We also did some babysitting for Grant, Earl's niece's son.

Look at the belly on that little guy! He's 14 months old and almost always in a good mood.
I love spending time with Grace and hate to see her going back to school, but I know that's what happens with kids grow up.
Spencer goes to college in Florida, so I could hardly hope for him to come back to cold Ohio. Instead, he went to Miami. He is staying at a friend's parents' condo on Miami Beach.
I texted him yesterday asking, "How is Miami?"
Here's the picture he responded with:

I haven't seen Spencer since January. I miss see him.

This morning, Tucker and I are leaving on a road trip. One more college visit before he has to decide.

Maybe -- but doubtful -- I'll get a picture of me and Tucker on our road trip. That boy avoids the camera. I tell him he'll regret it someday.

So we're driving 9 hours to Missouri. Hope he likes the campus. I'd love for him to fall in love with a college and be passionate about going there.

Here's a photo from his birthday.

Hope you all get a chance to relax and enjoy some decent weather this spring. At our destination, they're predicting snow.

Reviews

As a writer, I've kind of girded myself for tough reviews. I peer at them with my eyes squinted shut as if it can save me from the pain of hurtful words.
And nice reviews make me feel happy, but the reviews for I See London I See France, my latest novel,
thrill me because I feel like my writing might actually be making a difference. People are connecting with my character and the feelings of the character.
This review on Suko's Notebook almost brought me to tears.

The main character shares her private thoughts about sex and ruminations about romance in a way that's bound to resonate with many women, and I appreciated her candor....Caroline realizes that she must tend to her own needs as well as those of her children, and that it's up to her to discover a passion, her passion, outside of her children, which will bring her personal fulfillment and happiness.  I read this book quickly--not because I was on a deadline to post my review, but because I was eager to know how things turned out for Caroline.  I cared about this character.  Although she's not perfect, she loves her children, fiercely, and she does think about what's best for them.  Caroline seemed like someone I'd want to be friends with in real life.  Paulita Kincer's writing brought Caroline and her story to life.

Here I am with my three kids in France.

And, I thought, yes. That's exactly what I want people to understand, not just about the character, but about mothers raising children.

I also really enjoyed the review on I Am Indeed.

I think I enjoyed this story mainly because I wanted to have the courage that Caroline showed: chucking it all in and heading to Europe to just travel  and escape the reality of a situation at home that feels untenable. ...While I often wondered at just how she managed to pack kids and head off to Europe with a loosely defined itinerary, I also was able to see that perhaps Caroline was much more passive in her life, waiting for decisions to be made for her, instead of making those choices. During her trek, she had the opportunity, and took the chance to confront that more passive approach to life, allowing herself to be subjugated and last in the equation.  While not always comfortable, her growth and willingness to take accountability for the situation she is in, as well as the steps needed to make a change that will decide the next decade of her life was the perfect climax point for her story, and made the ending all that more satisfying. 

I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing nice things about my characters or my writing.
How can you top a line like this from the review on Mommasez?

Kincer writes Caroline’s tale of mid-life crisis with a light-handed realism that will make many women think that Kincer has read their diaries. 

I mean, does it get any better than that? I can definitely see that on a book jacket.

And on the blog Making My Mark, the author writes:

As the story progressed so did Caroline. She started off beaten and slowly but surely she came into her own. The evolution of Caroline as a woman is fascinating and inspiring. But can she discover what she was looking for? I won’t spoil it for you. But I will say, read the book to find out. Who knows, you may learn something about yourself.

Maybe this second  novel is better than my first was. Maybe it has simply found a more fitting niche of readers. Either way, I'm finding reviews much more enjoyable this time around.
Most of these reviews have ebook or paperback giveaways if you want to click on them and get a chance to win a copy of my new novel. Hope you all love it.

Saturday Snapshot -- More Swim Pics

To participate in the Saturday Snapshot meme, post a photo that you (or a friend of family member) have taken. Then leave a direct link to your post on West Metro Mommy. Photos can be old or new, and be of any subject as long as they are clean and appropriate for all eyes to see. How much detail you give in the caption is entirely up to you. Please don't post random photos that you find online.
Last week I posted some pictures showing how Tucker has changed through his swim years. While the post was up, I was at another swim meet, and one of the mothers there had a camera and took some terrific pictures.
These have been on Facebook already, but I thought I'd share on my blog.

That's Tucker diving in over the head of his teammate during the 400 Free Relay race. The boys won that race. 

 
And this is the next frame as Tucker went into the water.
I'm off to another swim meet today. Three more weeks if they make it to states again this year.

Saturday Snapshot -- Growing Up Swimming

To participate in the Saturday Snapshot meme, post a photo that you (or a friend of family member) have taken. Then leave a direct link to your post on West Metro Mommy. Photos can be old or new, and be of any subject as long as they are clean and appropriate for all eyes to see. How much detail you give in the caption is entirely up to you. Please don't post random photos that you find online.
I'm spending this morning at a swim meet. Swim league championships. This is my 7th year in a row to go to high school league champs at the same pool. I know exactly where we will sit so we can get good pictures. But, this is my final year because my baby boy is a senior.
Here's a picture of him being adorable.

This was the age when he used to walk down the stairs, one foot at a time holding onto the rungs under the railing, and when he got to the bottom he'd say, "Here's Tucker!" Oh, what I would give for that kind of excitement now.
And here he is a few weeks ago in his manly hairiness and a Speedo, which really looks good on no one.

When I was looking for a swim picture of Tucker, I found this one from when he was 11. 

Compare it to the one of him a few weeks ago. 

 He still pushes the goggles up to his eyes as a nervous habit. 

Hope you all have a warm and fun weekend.