NaNoWritMo -- National Novel Writing Month

I started out so strong in November with National Novel Writing Month.
The goal is to write a novel in one month. Well, 50,000 words, which doesn't quite reach novel length, but it's a sprint and a marathon to get the bones of a story done in such a quick amount of time. I've written parts of other novels during November, and I've even succeed in getting to 50,000 words a couple of times.
This year, I was determined to succeed. The first week, I was ahead of the daily word count.
I'm working on a novel that I'm calling The Wedding-Dress Theory.
Because I'm unsure how much of the plot I'll share when the book is published, I'll just give you the general idea that this is the story of a mother and adult daughter who have a tenuous relationship, and a tragedy prompts them to attempt to visit all 50 states in three months.
My successful writing paused on November 8. I was anxious about the election and couldn't seem to sit down and write. I assured myself that it would be better the next day. But the next day came and it was worse. I woke up to a new reality.
I spent time soothing my children, soothing my students, pretending that everything would be okay.
Part of the difficulty though, is that this wasn't a normal election with a candidate from the other side. This was a candidate who threatened people of color, people of other religions, women, -- pretty much the majority of the country has something to fear from his election.
People who voted for him claim that it wasn't racism; it was about jobs or the economy. Well, if they looked at the economy compared to eight years ago, they'd realize that wasn't true. In the U.S., we have 4.9 percent unemployment. During the recession, it reached 9.8 percent. Nearly half of those looking for jobs, have found them. No economy is perfect, and I realize that I live in a city with even lower unemployment, but I don't believe the economy claim.
In addition to Trump appealing to racists, I think a lot of people were afraid to have a woman president.
The past, nearly, two weeks have been depressing, like a death -- a death of the country we thought we lived in.
I unfollowed people on Facebook -- cousins who posted things like "protestors are paid" or "Suck it up Buttercup" bill.
This morning I cancelled brunch with a high school friend. We meet halfway between her house and my house. We've been friends more than 30 years. She's not political, but she is conservative. We don't talk politics, but so much of my life has revolved around the election, that I can't imagine talking to her about my life without referencing the despair I've felt, and that would be dipping into politics.
I still have a chance to finish NaNoWriMo. I'm only working one day this week, so I can write and write and write. (Plus also run and swim and lift weights, my way of dealing with the extra stress.)
Our family is having Thanksgiving with just us -- me, Earl and my three children. Not even significant others will be present, since Grace's live-in boyfriend is flying to New Jersey to be with his grandparents. I don't feel too stressed about cooking for just us, so even on Thanksgiving, I'll be able to work on NaNoWriMo.
Right now, I'm at 22,000 words. Only 28,000 to go.
I'll try to update you next Sunday to let  you know if I've been able to shake off my feelings of doom and dig into writing again.

Emotional StraitJacket

Do you remember, 15 or 20 years ago, there was a big hullabaloo about EQ, emotional quotient, as opposed to IQ?
I have to say that if I took an EQ test, I would probably score very low. I have the hardest time understanding my own emotions.
Last week, I wrote about my "denial" of all the trials going on in my life and on Saturday morning, I posted and said I was in a very low place. I'm so out of touch with my emotions, that I couldn't figure out how I got to that low spot.
Okay, learning that my job is cutting back, then Grace crashing the car in the garage and my dad having a triple bypass all were valid reasons for me to feel down. But on Thursday, even as I knew everything would turn out okay, my mood plummeted and I couldn't figure out why.
Finally, mid-morning Saturday, it dawned on me.
Thursday morning, my husband and oldest son had a conversation about a concert he was attending that night. My husband asked where it was and Spencer replied, "At the Newport."
"That place is a tinder box," my husband replied.
"Yeah, it's pretty gross. But fun," Spencer agreed.
That afternoon, my mom posted a photo of my sister-in-law visiting my dad at the hospital. I wanted to visit my dad, but, with two kids in college, we didn't have enough money for me to fly down and visit. I love my sister-in-law (actually ex-sister-in-law) and I'm glad she was there, but I was so sad that at my age, I didn't have the extra money to fly down and be with my parents.
So I slogged through Thursday and Friday then Saturday morning feeling very depressed. --
I was sitting in the sun in the backyard, listening to the band playing as they marched in the Memorial Day parade when it hit me -- Memorial Day.
Memorial Day Weekend. The weekend my sister died 36 years ago. In a fire at a nightclub.
The innocuous conversation about the concert Spencer was going to suddenly made sense.
And understanding why my mood had plummeted helped me climb out of that sad place.
I think I probably feel like this every Memorial Day weekend, but I'm so out of touch with my emotions that I don't even realize it. I always need a light bulb moment.
So next year around this time, will one of you fabulous readers please remind me. It's okay. I'll get through it if I can just remember that it will pass.

Doldrums

This has been a weird week for me. I have been mostly intolerant of other people. For any of you who have been on the receiving end of this, forgive me, but I'm still feeling a little grouchy.
I wish I could say, "Well, it all started with..." But I'm not that self aware.
I can tell you that I first noticed it last Saturday. I'd get all antsy in the middle of a conversation and just want to be finished talking or listening or being with people. The possibility exists that it started before last Saturday, I just hadn't noticed.
I can also tell you the heighth, or depth, of my doldrums came on Wednesday. That's when a discussion with Tucker led to him leaving for school without kissing me goodbye. I put my hand out and grabbed his bicep. He jerked his arm away from me.
"Can I have a kiss?" I asked as he pulled away.
"No," he said moving toward the door.
"Just let him go," said my husband. And my anger, perhaps wrongfully, surged toward my husband instead of my teenage son.
I dragged myself to work and my students got some half-hearted teaching that day.
I took to the couch when I got home, hoping a nap would help. I considered skipping the back-to-school night. That's when the parents go through their kids' class schedules and get to meet all the teachers. The idea of trying to juggle both boys' schedules seemed too daunting. Why did I even care? They would probably do fine.
But, I got a text from an acquaintance about a college visit and she asked if I'd be at the school, so I went.
By the time I had finished, I actually felt better, a little more upbeat.
But today again, a day when I didn't have to teach, I dreaded going to lunch and a movie with an old friend. While we ate, I winced at her abruptness to the waiter. I felt like I was cataloging her faults. I would never want someone to feel that way about a visit with me.
Everyone fended for themselves for dinner. I offered halfheartedly to make some macaroni and cheese for Tucker. I would have loved to curl up on the couch again with some mindless TLC shows, but the first high school football game is tonight. Grace asked me to go.
We'll walk in together. She'll see some of her former classmates. Squeals of joy will ensue and I'll find some other acquaintance to sit with. That's fine. It makes me leave the house and gives me a chance to spy on the boys while they are in their high school environment.
I'm not sure where these doldrums came from, but I'm ready for them to move on.
Sorry if I haven't been there to distract you this week with my witty bon mots. Maybe things will improve next week.