Skin in the Game

My best friend has a rocky marriage. No, it's not the marriage. It's the guy.
Her husband is a narcissist. I firmly suggested she not marry this guy when her first marriage dissolved. But she was on the rebound and knew she was marrying someone who would treat her well. Nine years later, not so much. Truthfully, in the first year he showed his true colors.
I'd like to say that I've been supportive of her marriage, encouraging her to keep trying, but I was saying "Dump the guy" before she reached her first anniversary. That year, growing large with pregnancy, her father dying of cancer, her husband scheduled corrective eye surgery. He couldn't afford it before, but the end of my friend's first marriage came with a settlement that her new husband felt free to spend. As she drove him home from the eye procedure, fighting a sinus infection that seemed to have taken root with the pregnancy, tears leaking from her eyes as she imagined her father fighting for each remaining breath, her husband told her that he had been dreaming of this corrective eye surgery for two years and now she "was ruining it for him."
Dump him, I advised.
She's been to years of marriage counseling with him, now as their son reaches his 8th year. They've had some happy times -- blips of moments that can't be pieced together to form weeks of happiness, much less months. They fight over her kids from the previous marriage who regard him with disdain. They fight over his free spending habits, his bi-monthly massages and $600 ski equipment. His refusal to help pay for her daughter's college so she has to hide the fact that she's covering the tuition costs. She works long hours, makes more money than him, puts the little guy to bed every night, cooks the dinners, goes to the sports events for the older kids. She's doing it all alone. Oh, wait. He does yard work, but lets her know what a drain it is on him.
Her husband is a little OCD. For instance, one day, she went out to the garage to change the bunny cage, washed her hands afterward, and continued with the rest of her day. That night when she made dinner, her husband refused to eat it because she hadn't worn gloves to clean the bunny cage. One of the biggest fights they have is about keeping the house clean, which isn't easy for most people, but even harder for my friend with the three teenagers, the 8-year-old and the unhelpful husband.
A few weeks ago, she told me the saddest story. She was chopping up jalapenos for dinner while her 8-year-old ate a snack in the kitchen. The cutting board tipped, sending the jalapeno pieces onto the floor. The 8-year-old hopped out of his chair and ran for the back door.
"I'll keep Dad outside until you get those picked up," he said. He knew that his father would blow a gasket if he saw the jalapeno pieces on the floor and then later in his dinner, even if my friend washed them and cooked them.
And that's her son's reality. Keep Dad from getting mad. Keep Dad from throwing a hissy fit.
So, my friend is inching her way toward a divorce. She gives ultimatums. She searches the internet for cute puppies she might get when doesn't have a husband any more. And the other day she upped the stakes.
"If I get a divorce, I'll pay for us to fly to France. You find us a place to stay," she said.
"Deal," I replied. Then I told her she might regret giving me skin in the game since I now had something to gain from seeing her divorce.
I texted her yesterday about great prices on flights to Europe, in case she needs incentive to hurry along her divorce.
She tells me, "I'm the only one in the room who has been through an awful divorce. I'm the only one who knows how hard it is."
Which is true.
But I haven't said to her, "You're the only one in the room who is living with a man who treats you with total disregard, who puts you last but expects you to put him first, in front of yourself, in front of your kids."
The trip to France was not the only skin I have in the game. She's my best friend. Every time he treats her badly, it scrapes away at my skin, wearing it raw as I see my best friend worn down into a numb person, moving through life like a race as if the finish line will provide her relief.
My stake in this game is the love of my friend -- and a trip to France.

Words of Wisdom From a Marriage

As a kid, I used to read the column "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" in a women's magazine, maybe Ladies Home Journal. The columnist would outline both sides and then dispense words of wisdom.
Sometimes, I feel like I might be that wise columnist, but I only hear the one side from my best friend in Michigan, and I've learned to laugh at the totally ludicrous words that come from her self-obsessed husband.
He's had some real jewels the past few weeks. When they were discussing her "output control" issues, he said, "I've learned to tolerate you over the years."
With that kind of obvious adoration for her, it's hard to imagine why this marriage is floundering.

When one day they were discussing if they would ever remarry other people if one of them died, the husband said, "Oh, my God. I could not do this again."
In the midst of another argument, he declared, "I'm sure there's somebody out there who would love me more than you do."
I'm not sure why she didn't take him up on it and suggest he go look for that somebody.
Then just this week, her two teenage sons got in a fistfight and had to be pulled apart. My friend was obviously distraught at the idea that her children were willing to beat on each other. She told her husband that she needed some support from him.
"Oh, I gave you support earlier in the week when I let you go to Washington for two days," he said.
She had to go away for work to Washington and he was kind enough to "allow" her to go. He has no problem overspending the money she makes, about twice as much as he does.
In the past, for her birthday he has given her a horse (which she never got) and a trip to Paris (which she had to pay for). He schedules twice monthly massages for himself to relieve all of his stress. She's been sick since October and can't seem to get well because of all the stress she's actually under.
So, back to the original question: "Can This Marriage Be Saved?"
My diagnosis: As long as she's willing to laugh off his narcissism and verbal attacks, the marriage can continue indefinitely. I'm willing to to be her sounding board for as long as she needs me because I love her even if she's married to an asshat.
And, just in case she decides someday to meet him at the courthouse, I'll try to keep track of all the hurtful things he says. She may need them as evidence.
Photo from www.media.cakecentral.com

The Marriage Struggle

The cell phone rang at 5:24 a.m. -- its Blue October song bursting forth in the still-dark morning. I was awake but lying in bed. I rolled from the bed, grasped the phone and walked out the bedroom door. The number wasn't one I knew, but the area code was the same as my best friend's.
"Hello," I said quietly, looking for a place where I could talk without waking people. I passed the bedroom door where the two teenage girls slept. In the living room, my 13-year-old was spread out on the couch. I walked out the back door and sat on the red rocking chair, watching the vines of the morning glories intertwine.
"Were you sleeping?" my best friend asked.
"I was awake," I continued the pleasantries. Then she burst out.
"He left me."
I felt my stomach drop and soar as if on a series of roller coaster hills.
He, the odious husband who made most days a misery, had left her? It seemed like a dream come true, a perfect outcome, but she sounded upset. I contained my glee and asked for the story.
After she went to bed the night before, he found her phone and went through her text messages. Apparently, she had sent a message to an old college boyfriend that said she was shopping for bras. Her husband found that inappropriate. There were others that he questioned even though the men live states away from her. He was convinced she was cheating on him. He kept the phone, refusing to give it back. I guess he planned to use it as evidence of her infidelity.
I tried to be supportive before I said, "This is like a gift."
"But he thinks I'm cheating. He's making me feel slutty."
For the record, she hasn't cheated on him. I'm not sure why. He's the most self-centered person I've ever met. When she was pregnant with their son and her father was dying of cancer, he scheduled eye-corrective surgery and demanded a ride. Then he told her she was ruining this very special day for him.
He takes no responsibility for anything. The other night he sat watching baseball with his now-five-year-old son beside him then yelled at my bestfriend that the boy didn't get a bath.
My best friend has children from a previous marriage. The very savvy teenage daughter asked her mom, "If I learn to make martinis, will you divorce him?" I love that girl.
If I knew this man as a person, I wouldn't hate him. He's just a man who can be polite for a little while but he can't keep up the charade for long. He wants things done his way, but he isn't willing to actually do anything about it but complain.
The reason I hate him is that he makes my best friend miserable. She rushes to clean the kitchen or insists the kids rake the lawn on the one day they are with her to appease him. And guess what? It doesn't make him happy. Nothing can make him happy.
I can't imagine living like that.
This morning he demanded she print off all of her emails since January. When I talked to her this morning, she said she was going to do it, to prove nothing was going on. But she warned him that could be the end of their marriage.
"Why isn't the question be the end of the marriage?" I asked. If someone demanded that of me, I'd say, "Screw you. I don't have to prove anything."
By this afternoon, she was pissed. Pissed that he'd made so many demands, pissed that he'd held her phone hostage, pissed that he threatened to tell the children he was sleeping on the couch because Mommy cheated on him.
She went to talk with her 11-year-old and said, "He's really angry right not and you should try to just stay away from him."
"That's okay," the blond, curly-headed boy said. "He's pretty mean anyway."
That made me so sad. How can you stay with someone who is mean to your kids?
I've pondered the whole cheating thing. Why is he intent on this? My best friend doesn't have a spare minute to herself, much less to cheat. Her husband's first wife cheated, or he says she did, so maybe that's why he's obsessed with it.
This afternoon, I decided he wants to think she cheated. He's as unhappy as she is. He wants out of the marriage, but it can't be his fault. He has to find a way to blame someone else. Cheating seems like the easiest solution.
Let him think that she cheated, as long as he leaves and she can find some peace.
Of course, if she stays with him to work on the marriage, I will still be there for her, hoping he'll turn into someone who can love and nurture her the way she deserves.